CPR : Life is a funny business!

After a cathartic post i wanted to write something funny, you know. It is my thing, I think i can be funny in a way to entertain myself.

CPR stands for Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, phew its quite a “mouth-full” trust me. I was inducted to my new job by being requested to attend a CPR seminar by a memo. Whenever i read a mail from my boss, my first reaction is “Shit, i hope i am not fired”, because gulf is a place where there are unlimited possibilities for getting fired , killed or jailed in any order.Anyways the notice was to all the new recruits to attend a compulsory CPR training program and complete certification in order to follow the norms of some accreditation.

I went to the meeting and the guy introduced himself as Mr.XYZ khan from Pakistan. He pronounced it in a very British way which only i found funny and my colleagues sat agape at his “diction”. He asked every one to introduce themselves to the crowd and we were sitting in a circle, its a shape i hate the most.

/* Digression Alert*/

I mean first its a shape very difficult to draw and i always had problems in the parade which we presented to our GUEST on independence day. It was a grotesque sight to be honest .Fifty odd sweaty fat kids sitting and standing up to the beats to form an alphabet on the ground soiling our clothes.Why the flip does it have to be that difficult, how the blip is it creative? I shall address these profound questions some time later.

Returning to the part, we were asked to be seated in chairs which was in a circular shape and it faintly reminded me of rehab programs which i heard about from the news, so much for feeling like a celebrity in your first job eh. Heh. He noticed that the group comprised mostly of east Asians , a couple of Arabs and 3 Indians. He pointed at us saying, oh! you are from India. I love bollywood and shahrukh khan[My colleague smiled, i was left confused]. Should i feel less threatened ? /* Insert anti-paki jokes here*/.

Its the thing that xenophobic people do when they meet strangers, Oh you are from Tamilnadu? I once went to bangalore, bhery nishe glimate. Yes everything below madhya pradesh is south India, you ignorant twat. They say the most abstruse of things and expect us to agree with them. I asked my mom about why we do it and she said it was human-bonding. She has the simplest of answers to the most difficult of questions. Respect.

Sorry for the digression, now to the act. There was a projector and he began explaining us the nuances of CPR .Whenever any one asked any questions “Excuse me Mr.XYZ, he would retort sharply. Dr. XYZ “ and the poor chap would tremble and forget his question. The session was informative, but i got bored in the end when he went on to explain how important it is to be aware of CPR and the benefits it can give to humanity and crap. I wonder why people get such hard on when they make others believe that their job is very crucial to the society. While I was trying to curb my yawn, he promptly caught it .And in a cocky tone announced “ I guess our friend Mr. Dhanesh is feeling sleepy, i retorted in a micro second. “No, sir just bored that’s all”.

No canned laughter again, only glances of torpor. I don’t know how i had the guts to say it out loud.I guess I'm at my best behavior and intellect when i am half asleep.

We were asked to practice our theory on a mannequin which i honestly found repulsive and i guess i was the only one who found posing your derriere to the guys behind you while p[h]umping to save the victim as funny. Life is such a serious business you see. DIGRESSION ALERT!.I see humor in the simplest of things, one needn’t be as smart as Wodehouse. For example when you are in a train look at the person opposite to you gyrating to the movement of the train , shaking in a rhythm. I always fail to stifle my laughter and the co-passengers instead of being upset in turn are very kind to me. I guess they thought that I was “special”.

My turn came up and i finished it in a jiffy and next to me was a woman in her 50’s who beat the crap out of the mannequin while trying to resuscitate, she would make a good Indian actress [read overacting] or a very bad wrestler. Not in my seven lives would i want to be resuscitated by that woman. We were given refreshments at the end of the session.I thought i had enough content to mock the crap out of the event. But i was in for more treat.The funniest part of the presentation lost its charm as it was given to us in pamphlet , which served two purposes. Cultural enlightenment and approach towards CPR in Arab environment.

The pamphlet was well done with small caricatures and silly cartoons and signs which make the most educated look retarded, it was a huge list i choose to share only the ones that i recollect.

1. One may never approach a woman to perform CPR, if you are not their direct relative.

2. You may need consult of the child’s parents before performing a CPR.

3. At any cost you should not unveil the lady of her veil if she is down with a cardiac arrest.

4. One needs to convince that they are trained in CPR[I can hardly ask for directions in Arabic].

4. If you are at a scene of accident on the highway, DO NOT APPROACH THE VICTIMS UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVE. Your position can be misconstrued and you bear the risk of getting arrested .

5. It is a criminal offense if you ignore any of the above mentioned stipulations.

Canned laughter again.